Example Corrected Essay Page 2.JPG

 

In the last few posts, I explained how ‘correction’ of written work can be done well, or done badly, and if it is done badly, this correction can be useless – and that maybe your teacher is not as wonderful as you think. In the previous few post, we began practicing using error coding to correct the third paragraph of the essay – see the picture above. Now it’s time to work on the fourth and last paragraph.

Here it is, written out.

However, keep think deeply, when government only think about the domestic needs. Where the money come from? I think it will mostly from tax revenues, which increase the burden on taxpayers. That is a vicious cycle. Even people have better services, they feel more pressure. Thus, government needs to build some tourism attraction and running a country in a virtuous cycle.

 

Try to correct the final paragraph based on the error codes and the suggestions given. Study that final paragraph. The highlighted errors and suggestions are also written below.

 

Error 1 + Suggestion 1

However = [follow this with a Subj. + Verb] …………………………

The suggestion ‘Can’t you be more direct?’ links to p.33 bottom from my book. This says, ‘This new sentence is much shorter, and makes the same point. That is, the sentence is concise, and concision is a sign of a good writer.’

 

Error 2

Where ^ the money come from? = [add a word] …………………………

 

Suggestion 2

I think = [My comment means, “Is this necessary?”] ……………………

 

Errors 3 & 4

It will ^ mostly from tax revenues = [add a word; ‘revenue’ is better as an uncountable term] …………………………

 

Error 5

increase = [grammar, since ‘revenue’ and ‘it’ are singular] ……………………

 

Error 6

vicious cycle = [logic // no cycle // Many of my student write this term because I sometimes use it in class – but obviously only when there is a cycle] ……………………

 

Error 7

Even ^ people have better services = [add a word] …………………………

 

Suggestion 3

… they feel the pressure = [My suggestion is ‘why?’ – which means this statement needs explanation/clarification/elaboration] …………………………

 

Suggestion 4

Attraction = [My comment, “Can’t they build a fun park?” indicates that ‘attraction’ on its own is not clear enough.

 

Error 8

running = [grammar, since this word link to ‘needs to’] ……………………

 

Suggestion 5

The suggestion is ‘Check the Quick Conclusion’ p.194-4 from my book. This says that, if you are in time trouble, you need to end the essay quickly and in the best possible way, thus just write a concluding sentence using ‘Thus’, ‘Therefore’, ‘Consequently’, or just finish the sentence by adding ‘…, illustrating/indicating that [Subj.]+[V]’.

 

Now, go ahead and try fixing all the errors, following the suggestion, and re-writing the third paragraph.

 

[To be continued in the next post].

 

Find the meaning of the underlined words, also repeated below.

  • concise (adj)
  • clarification (n)
  • elaboration (n)

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