Example Corrected Essay, Page 1.JPG

Example Corrected Essay Page 2.JPG

In the last few posts, I looked at the …

 

“This teacher is wonderful; (s)he corrects as many writings as I want” syndrome.

 

I explained how ‘correction’ of written work can be done well, or done badly, and if it is done badly, this correction can be useless – and that maybe your teacher is not as wonderful as you think. In the previous post, we began practicing using error coding to correct the second paragraph of the essay – see the picture above. Let’s continue to look at the third paragraph of the sample essay. Try to correct the third paragraph based on the error codes and the suggestions given. Study that third paragraph. Here is is written.

Some people may argue that build public services can reduce social inequality and improve infrastructure. For example, building a hospital, especially in countryside, can help more patients gain medical treatments, and make medical system more completed.

The highlighted errors and suggestions are also written below.

 

Error 1 + Suggestion 1

Build public service = [needs to be a noun] …………………………

 

The suggestion is Ex. 15 II 1–10 from my book. This exercise says, ‘Can you change the following gerund noun phrases into more formal nouns?’ Here are four of the examples.

 

  1. Revealing personal information        
  2. Explaining to patients
  3. Demolishing historic buildings
  4. Abolishing capital punishment

 

Why don’t you try these four examples above, as well as the one the student wrote?

 

Suggestion 2

… and improve infrastructure = [You can read my comment at the bottom of the page: Using two different aspects confuses/reduces the clarity/focus] ……………………

 

Suggestion 3

… can reduce social inequality = …………………………

 

The suggestion is Ex. 24 1a from my book. This exercise says, ‘This has ‘doubled’ the ‘might’. This is repetitive and somewhat strange. Just one modal verb (‘might’, ‘could’) or one ‘weakener’ only.

 

Error 2

Especially in ^ countryside = [add a word] …………………………

 

Error 3

treatments = [uncountable] ……………………

 

Error 4

make ^ medical system = [add a word] …………………………

 

Error 5

… more completed = [grammar mistake] …………………………

 

Suggestion 4

The suggestion is to read p.117 from my book. This page suggests extending the ideas more, but we won’t look at that here.

 

 

Now, go ahead and try fixing all the errors, following the suggestion, and re-writing the third paragraph.

 

[To be continued in the next post].

 

Find the meaning of the underlined words, also repeated below.

  • to demolish (v)
  • to abolish (v)
  • clarity (n)

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