Concision Rides Again (7 of 12)
No one wants an IELTS 5, right? Let’s look at the original paragraph from the previous post.
One reason I think it is not appropriate is because if everyone has a gun, then there will be more crimes, and the rate of firearm-related deaths will be elevated. Many studies in public society has showed that the firearm-related death ratio is directly correlated with gun ownership, and it also involves homicide and suicide. For example, the US is the country which has both the highest rate of gun ownership and firearms-related death, and that just proves the studies as well. [83 words]
It's 83 words, but I will cut this to ....
One reason is that guns increase both homicide and suicide, as can be seen in the US. [17 words]
Huh? I cut so much out! Why? Because the first sentence ...
One reason I think it is not appropriate is because if everyone has a gun, then there will be more crimes, and the rate of firearm-related deaths will be elevated.
... just means there will be more homocide and suicide (and this is said later). The second sentence ...
Many studies in public society has showed that the firearm-related death ratio is directly correlated with gun ownership, and it also involves homicide and suicide.
... just repeats the fact that there will be more homicide and suicide, but with a lot of unnecessary words. Let’s just use the ‘homocide and suicide’ part, since it is good vocabulary. The third sentence...
For example, the US is the country which has both the highest rate of gun ownership and firearms-related death, and that just proves the studies as well.
... mentions the US as an example, which is good, but that’s all you need to mention, and this could be concisely combined with previous part, giving ...
One reason is that guns increase both homicide and suicide, as can be seen in the US. [17 words]
83 words cut to 17! Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think, and we will look at that in the next post.
By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .
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