Andrew安德魯雅思權威

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (27 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 25 & 26 of 30

In the last post, we reduced a 75-word paragraph to 19. 74 words cut to 19. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.

Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.

Another reason why people smoke is their dependence on the nicotine stimulus to temporarily obliviate their worries and pain.

[19 words]

Now, let’s think.

One: Why do they have worries and pain?

Let’s add ....

Society is horrendously complicated and often harshly competitive – a tangled mesh of obligations, needs, and dimly-envisioned ambitions.

Two: What is the result of this?

Let’s add ....

Some people are less equipped, both psychologically and temperamentally, to handle the consequent pressures.

Three: Let’s keep thinking of results, and a general example.

Let’s add ....

They need their brief interlude with the long languorous wafts of cigarette smoke for relief – perhaps being the only means to marshall the momentum to continue.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

Another reason why people smoke is their dependence on the nicotine stimulus to temporarily obliviate their worries and pain. Society is horrendously complicated and often harshly competitive – a tangled mesh of obligations, needs, and dimly-envisioned ambitions. Some people are less equipped, both psychologically and temperamentally, to handle the consequent pressures, needing their brief interlude with the long languorous wafts of cigarette smoke for relief – perhaps being their only means to marshall the momentum to continue.

[75 words]

I’ve put in some difficult words. Find out the meaning of …

a stimulus (n)

to obliviate (v)

to be horrendous (adj)

to be harsh (adj)

to be tangled (adj)

a mesh (n)

to be dim (adj)

to be envisioned (adj)

to be psychological (adj)

temperament (n)

an interlude (n)

to be languorous (adj)

a waft (n)

to marshall (v)

momentum (n)

Notice that this new paragraph is the same length as the original one, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress (and the vocabulary and collocation are fantastic! – but, I wrote it, not a student!). Obviously this gives a higher IELTS mark.

So, that’s how it is done, and in the next post, we will look at another ‘circling’ paragraph, and practise cutting it down to the real message, then building it back into a real paragraph worthy of a high IELTS mark.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .