Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (8 of 30)
Remember, being concise helps give you that ‘clear progression’ in your writing (= IELTS 7). That peacock's feather above is actually incredibly complicated, but all the parts fit together in a simple way to make a clear pattern. That's the same you should write. If you can make the same point in fewer words, WRITE THOSE WORDS! You then have time to …
- move on,
- say more,
- and achieve more of the task.
Here’s some practice for you.
Try making the following sentences more concise.
The answers will be given and explained in the next post.
One
The death penalty tends to deter people who may have the potential to commit crime. [15 words]
Two
The death penalty can make criminals consider about whether they are willing to commit another crime. [16 words]
Three
... their studies in the future. [5 words]
... sales around the world. [4 words]
... difficult for both their minds and bodies. [7 words]
... specific teaching strategies according to their gender. [7 words]
... a risk which is difficult to predict. [7 words]
Four
Some people say that the shopping experience one receives when doing traditional shopping is unique. [15 words]
Five
It could be argued that online shopping helps the consumers to save time as well as the cost of travelling to physical stores. [23 words]
Six
However, the energy obtained from the nuclear method of production has .... [11 words]
Answers to Concision 7 of 30: Sentences
One
This is useful in order to defend the country from foreign attacks. [12 words]
… becomes …
This is useful for national defence. [6 words]
Two
Living alone affects people’s mental health. The research shows some bad influences of living alone is that the feeling of loneliness and depression is more clear and more common. [30 words]
… becomes …
Living alone affects people’s mental health. Loneliness and depression is more common. [12 words]
Claims about research are often used by students as a method to get words. There are many ‘model sentences’ beginning with, ‘There is a variety of authoritive research which shows that ...’, but think, are the following sentences logical.
There is a variety of authoritive research which shows that men are taller than women.
There is a variety of authoritive research which shows that technology is advancing.
There is a variety of authoritive research which shows that living creatures need food.
Remember, facts are facts, and the public version of the IELTS Band Descriptors says that ...
‘Overusing cohesive devices = IELTS Five’!
Also see my IELTS Writing Two Book, p.184 and p.188 bottom.
Three
To prevent an incident like this one from happening again in the future, ... [13 words]
… becomes …
To prevent a similar incident from happening, ... [7 words]
Four
There are still some who think that compulsory military service is a necessary way. They may think many things, such as having more soldiers represents a stronger military. [28 words]
… becomes …
There are still some who think that compulsory service strengthens the military. [12 words]
Five
For example, in Singapore, the government using hanging to deter other criminals, and the result of using this method is successful. [21 words]
… becomes …
For example, Singapore successfully uses this method. [7 words]
Six
Without happiness in your job, you will become unhealthy, which means emotional problems will affect your life. Additionally, dealing with work with a negative attitude will cause missed opportunities for promotion. [31 words]
… becomes …
Unhappiness at work could lead to emotional problems, and missed promotional opportunities. [12 words]
By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com
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