Example Corrected Essay Page 2.JPG

In the last few posts, I explained how ‘correction’ of written work can be done well, or done badly, and if it is done badly, this correction can be useless – and that maybe your teacher is not as wonderful as you think. In the previous few post, we began practicing using error coding to correct the last paragraph of the essay – see the picture above. So, how did you go with the last paragraph? Well, here are the answers.

 

Answers

Errors

1. However, thinking only about domestic needs is dangerous

2. Where does the money come from?

3. & 4. It will mostly be sourced from tax revenue

5. increases

6. This will create negative public sentiment.

7. Even if people have better services

8. run

 

Suggestions

2. [Take out this part].

3. feel more financial pressure, increasing their hostility and ill-feeling.

4. support income-generating attractions

5. illustrating that museums and art galleries are certainly worth the investment.

 

 

End of Answers

 

So, putting this all together, we get …

 

However, thinking only about domestic needs is dangerous. Where does the money come from? It will mostly be sourced from tax revenue,

which increases the burden on tax payers. This will create negative public sentiment. Even if people have better services, they feel more financial

pressure, increasing their hostility and ill-feeling. Thus, government needs to run the country better, supporting income-generating

attractions, which illustrates that museums and art galleries are certainly worth the investment.

 

Think about how much you have learnt by doing this exercise yourself! Now, let’s put our four paragraphs together.

 

The allocation of government money is a big issue in

running a country. Is the money better spent on public

services than museums or art galleries? I disagree, believing

that the funds invested in museums and galleries are

well worthwhile.

 

The main reason is that it increases government revenue. The

galleries attract tourists, who need hotels, restaurants, and transportation.

These demands create jobs, and let nearby shops make profit.

This is a very positive economic stimulus.

 

Some people may argue that the development of public services

reduces social inequality. For example, building a hospital, especially

in the countryside, Can help more patients to gain medical treatment,

and make the medical system more complete.

 

However, thinking only about domestic needs is dangerous. Where does

the money come from? It will mostly be sourced from tax revenue,

which increases the burden on tax payers. This will create negative

public sentiment. Even if people have better services, they feel more financial

pressure, increasing their hostility and ill-feeling. Thus,

government needs to run the country better, supporting income-generating

attractions, which illustrates that museums and art galleries are

certainly worth the investment.

(187 words)

 

Okay, the essay is finished. It is the same number of words as the original piece of writing – which means it is not long enough. [You need to write 250 words in 40 minutes]. This is why I wrote at the bottom of the page, ‘Hmm, a problem’. However, the student is getting there, and the corrected essay is clearly written and structured, and it’s only her second essay, and she learnt so much by doing this in the class. And she got better (and better, and better).

 

This is what happens in almost every one of my IELTS Writing Classes. Does it happen in yours?

 

Find the meaning of the underlined words, also repeated below.

  • sentiment (n)
  • hostility (n)
  • burden (n)

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