Example Corrected Essay, Page 1.JPG

Example Corrected Essay Page 2.JPG

In the last few posts, I explained how ‘correction’ of written work can be done well, or done badly, and if it is done badly, this correction can be useless – and that maybe your teacher is not as wonderful as you think. In the previous few post, we began practicing using error coding to correct the third paragraph of the essay – see the pictures above. So, how did you go with the third paragraph? Well, here are the answers.

 

Answers

 

Errors

1. Build public service = developing public services = [following Suggestion 1] the development of public services

 

The example from the exercise in my book could be rewritten …

  1. Revealing personal information  = the revelation of personal information     
  2. Explaining to patients  = explanations to patients
  3. Demolishing historic buildings = the demolition of historic buildings
  4. Abolishing capital punishment = the abolition of capital punishment

 

2. especially in the countryside

3. treatment

4. make the medical system

5. more complete

 

Suggestions

2. [Take out this part]. It is important for a paragraph to have one clear main idea, since IELTS Coherence & Cohesion 7 = ‘there is a clear central topic to each paragraph’ [Source: the public version of the IELTS Writing Band Descriptors]

3. reduces social inequality

End of Answers

 

So, putting this all together, we get …

 

Some people may argue that the development of public services reduces social inequality. For example, building a hospital, especially in the countryside, Can help more patients to gain medical treatment, and make the medical system more complete.

 

Wow, again, think about how much you have learnt by doing this exercise yourself! Now, let’s put our three paragraphs together.

 

The allocation of government money is a big issue in

running a country. Is the money better spent on public

services than museums or art galleries? I disagree, believing

that the funds invested in museums and galleries are

well worthwhile.

 

The main reason is that it increases government revenue. The

galleries attract tourists, who need hotels, restaurants, and transportation.

These demands create jobs, and let nearby shops make profit.

This is a very positive economic stimulus.

 

Some people may argue that the development of public services

reduces social inequality. For example, building a hospital, especially

in the countryside, Can help more patients to gain medical treatment,

and make the medical system more complete.

 

Again, nice and clearly written and structured. Well, you know what we are going to do next. That last paragraph needs to be corrected to finish the essay – but that will be in the next post.

 

[To be continued in the next post].

 

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