Let’s Correct an Essay Together Using My Way (= the Right Way) (Part 4 of 8) @ Andrew安德魯雅思權威

In the last few posts, I looked at the …

“This teacher is wonderful; (s)he corrects as many writings as I want” syndrome.

I explained how ‘correction’ of written work can be done well, or done badly, and if it is done badly, this correction can be useless – and that maybe your teacher is not as wonderful as you think. In the previous post, we began practicing using error coding to correct the second paragraph of the essay – see the picture above. So, how did you go with the second paragraph? Well, here are the answers.

Answers

Errors

1. revenue

2. tourists

3. transportation

4. nearby

5. let shops make

6. This is a very positive economic stimulus.

Suggestions

1. [Take out the underlined part]

2. increases // attract

3. [Take out this part]. It is important for a paragraph to have one clear main idea, since IELTS Coherence & Cohesion 7 = ‘there is a clear central topic to each paragraph’ [Source: the public version of the IELTS Writing Band Descriptors]

4. [Take out this part]

End of Answers

So, putting this all together, we get …

The main reason is that it increases government revenue. The galleries attract tourists, who need hotels, restaurants, and transportation. These demands create jobs, and let nearby shops make profit. This is a very positive economic stimulus.

Wow, again, think about how much you have learnt by doing this exercise yourself! Now, let’s put our two paragraphs together.

The allocation of government money is a big issue in

running a country. Is the money better spent on public

services than museums or art galleries? I disagree, believing

that the funds invested in museums and galleries are

well worthwhile.

The main reason is that it increases government revenue. The

galleries attract tourists, who need hotels, restaurants, and transportation.

These demands create jobs, and let nearby shops make profit.

This is a very positive economic stimulus.

Wow! Sure, it is simply written, but it is crystal clear! And the grammar is perfect (although not so complex). Still, that’s 76 words, written in lucid and logical style, and that's a great achievement. You know, this exercise is so useful that we can continue with the third paragraph – but that will be in the next post.

[To be continued in the next post].

Find the meaning of the underlined words, also repeated below.