Andrew安德魯雅思權威

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (30 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 28 & 29 of 30

In the last post, we reduced a 81-word paragraph to 24. 81 words cut to 24. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.

Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.

The first reason is that unemployed people can be freely trained in teamwork and responsibility, which helps career prospects.

[19 words]

Now, let’s think.

One: Why would these skills be useful?

Let’s add ....

The military offers a unique compression of people with diverse backgrounds, in many ways a microcosm of society, with its myriad traps and pitfalls. Involuntary immersion and the resultant forced cohesion cultivates learning of human dynamics – intangible assets which are necessary today,

Two: What is the result of knowing these skills?

Let’s add ....

... , where success in the corporate ladder is determined by interpersonal prowess of the sort best learnt in pressured military environments.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

The first reason is that unemployed people can be freely trained in teamwork and responsibility, which helps career prospects. The military offers a unique compression of people with diverse backgrounds, in many ways a microcosm of society, with its myriad traps and pitfalls. Involuntary immersion and the resultant forced cohesion cultivates learning of human dynamics – intangible assets which are necessary today, where success in the corporate ladder is determined by interpersonal prowess of the sort best learnt in pressured military environments.

[81 words]

I’ve put in some difficult words. Find out the meaning of …

to be unique (adj)

a compression (n)

a microcosm (n)

myriad (adj)

a pitfall (n)

to be involuntary (adj)

immersion (n)

cohesion (n)

dynamics (n)

to be intangible (adj)

an asset (n)

the corporate ladder (n)

prowess (n)

Notice that this new paragraph is the same length as the original one, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark.

Well, that’s the end of this 24 part ‘Concision Series’. I hope y ou liked it. Remember, it is important to a higher IELTS mark.

In the next series of posts, we’ll go back (once again) to collocation.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .