Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (29 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 28 of 30
Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Let’s keep looking at the paragraph from the previous post, and cut all the circling stuff out of it. Make it simple and clear, like the above picture. The original paragraph is ...
The first reason for compulsory military service is that unemployed people can learn useful skills. By joining the services, citizens are trained for free. Aside from the skills of teamwork and responsibility, some young people have the chance to fly a helicopter, which even helps their careers after they leave the services. In addition, individuals who are uneducated also can become competent when doing a military job, because of developing skills. Consequently, governments can solve the problems of high youth unemployment.
[81 words]
I will cut this to ....
The first reason is that unemployed people can be freely trained in teamwork and responsibility, which helps career prospects.
[19 words]
Huh? I cut so much out! Why? Because the first part ...
... for compulsory military service ..
... was stated already in the introduction. The second sentence ...
By joining the services, citizens are trained for free.
... only adds the word ‘free’, which can be put in the first sentence. The next sentence ...
Aside from the skills of teamwork and responsibility, some young people have the chance to fly a helicopter, which even helps their careers after they leave the services.
... gives some information – teamwork and responsibility – which we can add to the first sentence. The ‘helicopter’ example only involves very few people, so it is not good. The next sentence...
In addition, individuals who are uneducated also can become competent when doing a military job, because of developing skills.
... just repeats all the ideas of the first sentence. The final sentence ...
Consequently, governments can solve the problems of high youth unemployment.
... gives some new information at the end, which we can add to the first sentence, but I will change it a bit to be more logical, resulting one just one final sentence.
The first reason is that unemployed people can be freely trained in teamwork and responsibility, which helps career prospects.
[19 words]
81 words cut to 24. Wow! That first paragraph had so much repetition and unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think, and we will look at that in the next post.
By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .
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