Andrew安德魯雅思權威

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (21 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 19 & 20 of 30

In the last post, we reduced a 77-word paragraph to 20. 77 words cut to 20. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.

Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.

Of all the causes of smoking, the main one is to relieve pressure. Smoking is quicker than other measures, such as exercise.

[20 words]

Now, let’s think.

One: Why do people need quick way?

Let’s add ....

And with the pace of society becoming increasingly rapid, so too does the pressure and expectation for success.

Two: What is the result of this speed and pressure?

Let’s add ....

With this comes the desperate need for relief, yet conventional time-consuming hobbies, such as hiking, are beyond the possibility of the harried city dweller, whereas the quick recourse of a nicotine dose has a seductive appeal.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

Of all the causes of smoking, the main one is to relieve pressure. Smoking is quicker than other measures, such as exercise, and with the pace of society becoming increasingly more rapid, so too does the pressure and expectation for success. With this comes the desperate need for relief, yet conventional time-consuming hobbies, such as hiking, are beyond the possibility of the harried city dweller, whereas the quick recourse of a nicotine dose has a seductive appeal.

[77 words]

I’ve put in some difficult words. Find out the meaning of …

• pace (n)
• to be conventional (adj)
• to be harried (adj)
• a recourse (n)
• to be seductive (adj)
• appeal (n)

Notice that this new paragraph is the same length as the original one, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark.

So, that’s how it is done, and in the next post, we will look at another ‘circling’ paragraph, and practise cutting it down to the real message, then building it back into a real paragraph worthy of a high IELTS mark.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .