Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (16 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’
Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). You don't want something complicated and somewhat meaningless as the above picture. You want to give a message much simpler and more clearly, right. Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’, which gives three examples of ‘circling’ paragraphs. These paragraphs just repeat, and repeat, and repeat, the same thoughts. The section concludes by saying ..
These paragraphs do not go anywhere. Look at Task Response IELTS Five = ‘Ideas not developed enough’ and Coherence & Cohesion IELTS Five = May have unclear progression’. We want to move far away from these, right? So, ideas need to be developed and show progress.
Let’s look at another example.
Try making the following paragraph more concise.
Remember, it is not just words, but ideas which we do not want to repeat.
Cut them all out to just leave the main message remaining.
Can you then continue the paragraph in a better way?
One significant cause of migration to the cities is that the development between rural areas and those in the cities is not the same. There are distinct differences between the two in terms of the working choices each one offers. In the countryside, there is a shortage which is happening, while in the cities, there is a great deal more on offer for people. This results in the fact that there are more people willing to move to such flourishing places to find a job, which increases the possibilities of earning more money and fulfilling their career goals. For instance, many citizens in Taiwan tend to immigrate to the capital city – Taipei – because it is full of diverse job opportunities, job categories, and chances.
[124 words]
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